I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize