i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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