She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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