You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Randomize
