Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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