The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Let's get the cat blown out
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
