Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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