Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
