i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize