Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Damn victory sex feels great
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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