bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
