K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
