I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
