I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
