also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Sober January is a disaster.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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