Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
So here I am, sexting at work.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
