I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
