I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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