we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
