Kiss
Puke
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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