So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
