I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
So much Jack, so little girl.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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