I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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