I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
