Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize