I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
