I could have mohawked her pubes.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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