apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
