and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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