you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
