when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
