can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
