I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
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