I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
