Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
