Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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