Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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