it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
