So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
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