Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
