Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Randomize
