dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
