I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
