The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize