and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
