The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
