If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize