It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
