forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
