he puts the penis in happiness.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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