he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
