she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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