oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
