He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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