Me too!
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
