I puked a lego.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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