I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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