It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
