I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Randomize
