Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I faked an abortion last night.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
