You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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