The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
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