I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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