and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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