I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
