You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
