I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
