Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
