Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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