Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize