You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
