I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
