you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
